Chapter 5: What Raymond Never Said
I was still on the kitchen floor when I called Raymond.
Daniel had gone to get me a glass of water.
I could hear him in the other room, giving me space, which was one of the things I had always loved about him.
He knew when to step back.
Raymond picked up on the second ring.
"Lena.
Everything okay?"
"No," I said.
"Everything is not okay.
I need you to tell me the truth about something."
A beat.
"Okay."
"Did you call Frank three weeks ago?"
Silence.
Long enough to answer the question before he did.
"Yes."
"And did you tell him you were terrified?
That you didn't feel like you deserved to be there?"
His breath shifted on the other end of the phone.
I had never heard Raymond sound uncertain before.
He was a man who moved through the world with a certain lightness — charming, present in short bursts, always with somewhere else to be.
Uncertainty didn't fit him.
"I said something like that," he said.
"Why didn't you say it to me?"
"Because you were excited." His voice was careful.
"You called me and you sounded so happy.
And I didn't know how to say — Lena, I don't know how to walk someone down an aisle.
I don't know how to be that person.
I've never—" He stopped.
"You've never what?"
"I've never been your father," he said.
"Not really.
I know that.
I have always known that.
Frank has been your father.
I'm the man who wasn't there, and every time I see you, I feel that.
Every single time."
I pressed my hand flat against the cold floor.
"Then why did you say yes?"
"Because you asked me." His voice broke very slightly on the last word.
Just a fracture.
Just enough.
"Because you asked me and I thought — maybe this is the one thing I can do.
Maybe I can do this one thing right."
Daniel came back into the kitchen.
He set the water glass on the floor beside me and sat down against the cabinet.
He didn't try to listen.
He just stayed close.
"Raymond," I said.
"You should have told me."
"I know."
"All of it.
The call to Frank.
How you were feeling.
You should have told me instead of letting me walk into a wall."
"I know that too."
I looked at the ceiling.
"I want you at my wedding," I said.
"I want you there.
But I don't think — I don't think I was being fair to Frank.
I made a decision about who was going to walk me down the aisle and I told him the night before the wedding and I didn't think about what that would cost him.
I didn't think about twenty-two years."
Raymond didn't respond right away.
"What are you going to do?" he asked finally.
"I don't know yet," I said honestly.
"But I needed you to know what actually happened tonight.
All of it."
I heard him exhale.
"Lena." He paused.
"Frank paid for everything?"
"Everything except the venue deposit.
He left it as the last thing."
Another pause.
"He loves you," Raymond said.
"More than I've ever known how to."
The words landed quietly in the kitchen.
Daniel heard them.
I could tell by the way he looked at the floor.
"I know," I said.
I said goodbye to Raymond and stayed on the floor a moment longer.
Then Daniel looked over at me.
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
"I need to talk to Frank in person," I said.
May you like
Daniel stood up and held out his hand.
"Then let's go."
